Missing the Touch of Your Hands

Mom You are beautiful

dressed all snazzy (a word you would use)

You appear to be resting

not asleep as everyone else puts it

Your once long, thick hair is pressed and curled real nice

spiffy jazzy again, your words

we thanked those responsible for “hooking you up”

they merely enhanced your beauty

Do you like the bobby pins that I stuck behind your ears?

I will miss styling your hair

Whew, it was a job!

Nette picked out your stunning dress

it compliments your skin tone

your smile and your demeanor

bright and sparkly

you would absolutely love it so pretty

What stands out to me

what I’m staring at

are your hands your hands

the same hands that used to clasp mine lovingly

those hands now wrinkled

sometimes rough from years of labor

hard working hands strong hands

you touched my face with them

wiped my tears

held my face close to yours

now they are- still motionless

not as warm as I remembered lifeless

I am so sad

I can no longer feel your touch

I miss you so much I am sad

It’s unbelievable

when I saw you last

the day you passed

I gripped your hands

You were unable to intertwine your fingers with mine

just a few days before

you held up that same hand in praise thanking Jesus for another day of life

of living through daily discomfort yet thankful

for small breathes grateful to feel

we recited Psalm 23

In unison, we said, “Amen”

I told you that I love you

you looked at me and said,

“LOVE YOU MORE, FREDDIE” AMEN

I have that moment captured on video

to watch over and over again

only 22 seconds

but I get to hear you say

that you love me back

22 seconds Thank You Jesus!

I have regrets

I missed holding your hands

that day when you slipped away

Growing up

you would touch my hands and clean my fingernails

often you commented how pretty and long they were

you kept short nails

today your nails are shiny

the color is nice

I touch them how intimate

feeling your hands for the last time

Madison was going to do your nails on her next visit

she wanted you to be there clapping for her graduation

peek in on her from time to time

she is getting ready for her prom

and preparing for college life

she is so excited and nervous

we were lucky to have your support

we all miss your fist bumps (I’m smiling) because you gave fist bumps to everyone so freely so caring with a smile

I can see you giving air kisses

I tried catching each one

to return them

Your hands waving goodbye haunts me those were the same hands

that taught me how to pray

to write to cook to sew

I miss the touch of your hands

those hands held your grand babies so gently

you called just to say, “HEY,

It’s Mom-Mom”

they all know how much you love them

Felise is hurt

because she missed your calls

she was in class

she misses your spirit

your encouragement

you checked in frequently

always concerned

making sure that everyone was okay

they are doing fine They love you!

Charles tried to be strong

but he is crushed

your first grandchild

what an absolute joy

he was your only little boy

now a kind, young man

Shelby is a good role model and student

you have smart grandchildren

they are all independent thinkers

working hard to be a success

to make you proud

they all miss your touch

the touch of your hands

I am sad crying

sad that I was not there for you

as you were dying

I was not able to hold your hand

I am trying to grieve coping typing missing you so much

I was not ready for you to leave me

to leave us it seemed sudden

when Nette called I was crushed scared not prepared

the first thing that I did

was grab your hand

and I said, “SORRY” Sorry Mom

Your hand was losing its heat

I tugged on your sheets

laid across your chest

I held your hand tight

absent was a heartbeat no pulse

no breaths nothing

present was your love

your unwavering love

your undying love your love

gone was your smile

your snug hugs

gone was your kisses

your caring touch

WHY GOD GOD WHY

GOD NO NO GOD OKAY GOD

I am glad that Davette was with you

in your final moments

Yes, she is very sad

remember when you met her,

you didn’t want her to get close to you

you were sick

once you were feeling better,

you both adored each other

she became your favorite

I trust that she was a comfort

she and I are friends now

I am grateful for her

Mom, you left a void at that nursing home a huge hole

they miss you being there

I have visited Liz a few times

she was surprised to see my girls

but so happy we are her family now I will look out for her like she looked out for you with Love Liz enjoyed your company she lost her best friend now she has adopted me I will load her up with flowers and treats I really like her she loves & misses you

In the end I am extremely thankful appreciative for your support

your love

I enjoyed us holding hands

you holding my hand

me holding your hand

I may never fully understand

what happened to you

I am mourning our separation

missing your kindness

your pretty face

your touch

that beautiful face